a Pre-valentine's showcase of the immortal loser

My previous blog was about how shielded we are from the true state of welfare in this country. Let me just continue by saying "That's life". We're rich. The fact that you can read this blog means that you have access to a computer. That's something that 87% of the country can't fucking have in the shithole homes that they have to live in. Little things like this we take for granted. So when somebody finally tells you "You suck" or "You're not good enough", our world comes tumbling down. We can't deal with failure like the "masa". We have it good, so little things really bring us down. Love, academics, relationships, careers, these are the things we go all drama for. Selfish for the poor isn't it? Nowadays I laugh at myself when I exaggerate my problems. But fuck the poor... I didn't ask God to make me feel like roadkill now.

When you got shit-ass cards right now. When you got nothing but momma's brownies after dinner to look forward to...

...you turn to the click.

The funny thing is that humans are born with only two fears. The first being a fear of loud noises, the second, being a fear of falling. All others are learned. Fear is probably the largest inhibitor in a person's life. I'm not speaking about true phobias: agoraphobia, xenophobia, arachnophobia. I'm talking about your more subtle, yet still debilitating fears. The one's you probably would not seek therapy for. Fear of rejection and embarassment, for example. All of the fears that cause you to think "What if?"

Dude it's valentines day next week! And you know me (well, you probably don't, but) I get really nervous in matters like these. This is different from having to make a presentation in front of 90+ people (oh hell its worse!). This isn't the week before prom. This is completely different. This is a woman. a female. A creation from God to make men lose all feelings in their arms and legs. And to me she's worth it. So why the fuck am I having this panic attack right now?

I recently noticed that I talk to myself. Okay, when I say noticed, what I mean is that I admitted to myself that I do it (probably aloud), and I am officially more like my brother. Growing up, I could always tell what he was thinking about or upset about because he’d talk to himself about it. And now I do it.

Usually it’s not like, a full-on confession or anything. It’s just something like “Seriously, I need more sleep in my life” as I intentionally mess-up my hair after a shower or “You have GOT to be kidding me” when I get a really messy document to edit right before lunch that needs to be finished pronto. You get the idea.

Anways.. Back to the topic! So, now, whenever we brush shoulders and I look back at her after our "hello"s, I get all freaky. I get schizo, you know.

My brain: Enchong, why the fucking jesus didn't you make more of that?
Enchong (whispering and answering to his brain): I don't know

I don't know why the world stops and the next words that come out of my mouth are life and death. I don't know why every little thing I do would become something to make kwento a couple of months from now on how much of an idiot I was to do that shit. "Oh Lord, why didn't I wear the red shirt that day?". Hahahaha. Di naman ganun, pero you get the picture.
I know that people say, most guys get rejected 7 out of ten times. I'm not most guys. I do have a sense of pride, last time I checked. I also know that most people say that you should go out. Go to a club where people pay good money to wake up in somebody's bed the next day. I'm not most guys!! I don't go clubbing. The closest thing i got to a club was bopping my head to 50 cent while doing a paper. I've always said that finding the right one is something that should be taken with great care. So, yeah, I'm really cautious about shit like this. I am a loser. I get that, so...

What do I have to lose? Nothing, I guess. Common friends who would eventually hear about this would talk about it. I don't think I'd care. It'd sting a little. There'd be the awkwardness in between us from now until Armaggedon or something. I'll deal with that. Hey, if you're not good enough to take the risk, you think that kinda person is good enough for her?

(Fuck. My friends, I am so sorry for this shitty post. I know I'm supposed to be 20 years old and clubbing to get girls, but I am old-fashioned. My balls started to grow only after 2008. To those who look up to and respect me, I am so sorry for destroying that respect. I am human after all and a wimp. )


What have I got to lose?
my confidence and reputation. Something shitty, yet things I still hold in pride.

Condo boys can talk you into doing shit we never knew possible. We egg-bombed the parking lot of Kenny Roger's you know. From the 20th floor of Prince David.

But for all it's worth... let's just see what happens.
Hopefully she finally sees me.